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[11 Mar 2005|07:11am] |
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| now i know why i come in an hour early to work. |
[10 Mar 2005|06:35am] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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TSO- melt the sugar |
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"i thought they called you Dr. love?" says the cop that hangs out in our office
"They do" - Dr. Love ( i dont even know his real name)
"Well, I know my duties, and its to beat that bootie" - says the cop
"laughs like hell" - my supervisor mildred
*hangs his head* - docter love
me, im just sitting here sipping my coffee and enjoying the 6 o clock morning court house comedy hour.
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| im not racist but i gotta say this.... |
[09 Mar 2005|09:13am] |
Today has started pretty good. Read one of my friend’s journals. I love what he wrote. “This is black America” That is so true. I have nothing again black people but they are taking everything they hate us for and turning around and doing it to us. NAACP for example, or black college funds. These were put in place because the “white man” suppressed them.
Lets have a little history lesson here. The “white man” never went to Africa and stole the blacks. Other blacks sold the blacks to us, and who were these slaves that got sold to us? Murderers, rapists, and thieves. So if you really think about it… we did the blacks a favor…
I want to see a national white college come out. or a WHITE history month. African Americas would go NUTS! Why… because now they are forcing something on white America that their hero’s died trying to fight. Segregation.
I really do not understand why so many holidays are dedicated too, colleges made, or a whole month is named after the black people. Great a few black people beat the odds and invented things or became great doctors. So have white people. And Asians, and any other nationality… so why is it that African Americans think they are so much better?
Every race has been enslaved at one point or another. I know the Irish have. Egyptians have, but you don’t see other nationalities running around yelling at the white Americans claiming we did them SO wrong and they DEMAND a month, colleges, and holidays only in THEIR names.
In conclusion… Black America… GET OVER YOURSELVES you have been treated no differently than any other nationality. You just choose to sit there and wine about it. Do your homework: research what REALLY happened. Not what some over zealous white hating African American told you.
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[08 Mar 2005|02:17pm] |
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i realise everyone who lives will someday die and die alone.
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| u p d a t e |
[08 Mar 2005|09:29am] |
“Good to know if I ever need attention all I have to do is die”
Truer words were never spoken. My chest hurts really badly. I’m at work and I still can’t stop these damn tears from escaping my eyes and rolling down my cheek, taking my cheap mascara and eyeliner with it.
I’m a fucking mess and there is nothing I can do about it.
My doctor also saw the deep gashes on my arm (I know.. I had quit why start again huh) she wants to send me to a fucking shrink. I don’t need a shrink... I need Dr. Kavorkian.
I feel utterly worthless… like I can do nothing right. I had this feeling two months and two weeks ago. Its not a feeling I enjoy much. I can barly talk to anyone and everyone wants to know whats wrong. I feel like getting in a car and driving no where going 100 miles per hour. Just leave everyone and everything behind.. yes Micheal that includes you.
The one person I felt comphy going to threatens to kill Micheal. And Micheal… I cant even talk to him anymore.
I really need to get away.
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| i dont really have time to explaine this |
[07 Mar 2005|01:56pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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music |
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brand new |
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I have bad news.
I have bad news.
So I have to get biopsies of my cervix every 6 months because I have pre-cancerous cells that the doctors want to keep an eye on. It’s not so bad I’ve been though it about 4 times now and everything’s been staying low.
Not anymore.
Thursday I went to get my test results from my latest biopsy and I’ve had a huge change. Usually the pre-cancerous cells in my cervix are low grade and I had a low amount of them, but this time I have a high amount of low grade pre-cancerous cells AND a high level of HIGH grade pre cancerous cells in my cervix. Its kind of scary… my doctor is really worried… not so much about the cells (yes that’s still a big problem) but because my immune has practically FAILED in the past 6 months. In her words “no normal teenagers immune system should allow so many pre cancerous cells to be made”
Now I’m getting more tests done.
Then she explained to me how the whole pre-cancerous to cancerous thing works. She said that normally people have abnormal cells (not pre-cancerous) in their cervix.. These may or may not become cancerous.. The chances are slim. Now people with a low amount of low-grade pre cancerous cells they watch just to make sure nothings going on… and that’s about it.
Then there are the people with a high amount of low-grade cells… these people are watched more closely with a 20% or less chance of the cells becoming cancerous if no treatment is preformed.
After them are the low high-grade pre-cancerous cells. It’s a little tricky here because if you have a high-grade pre-cancerous cell in your body most likely you have a low-grade pre-cancerous cell in there too… so, If you have a low- grade and a low high grade amount of pre-cancerous cells in your cervix you are about 30 %-40% likely to get cancer if you do not get treatment.
Then there’s me… High low grade and high high-grade pre-cancerous cells, I have about a 50%- 70 % chance of getting cancer if I don’t get some kind of treatment.
Treatment includes a cervical freezing… these pre-cancerous cells are only on the top layer of skin in your cervix. So what freezing does is freeze the top layer of your cervix, killing all the pre-cancerous cells. The con of this is it also kills the good cells, you have to wear a diaper kind of thing for 6 weeks, and you can possibly be in pain for more than 3 months or more….. I really don’t want to get this done.
My doctor said she’s going to put me on a “plan” what that is, I don’t know and I wont find out until I go back the 24th… I know the number one thing she’s going to tell me to do is QUIT SMOKING…. But I really don’t know if I can…. Then again if smoking is causing my immune system to fail (I really don’t think its doing THAT much bad) then I will quit…
HIV is generally ruled out because I’ve had that test 3 times and I’ve came up negative. I’m blaming it on winter but she wont take that for an answer…. So she did a cervical scraping and she took another HIV test I get those results on the 24th.
I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going on. I know I’ve been tired all the time lately and I’ve caught everything that’s gone though this year…. But I really didn’t know my health failed like it.
So i have to get biopsies of my cervix every 6 months becasue i have precancerous cells that the doctors want to keep an eye one.
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| stolen from someone who stole it from someone who stole it from some one... |
[03 Mar 2005|02:29pm] |
Ask me four questions.
Any four, no matter how personal, private, or random.
I have to answer them honestly. I have to answer them all.
In turn, you post this message in your own journal and you have to
answer the questions that are asked to you!
I don't care, ask anything.. even if personal or what would be considred a little bit perverted.. lol
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| you know you like my ICON |
[03 Mar 2005|11:18am] |
so i was looking for the perfect LJ icon and i found it... icon_z made it and i think it fits me fucking great.
<3
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| I have the most perfect Fiance on the planet |
[03 Mar 2005|11:03am] |
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mood |
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*grin* |
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music |
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play crack the sky - brand new |
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An e-mail i got from micheal this morning. (: :)
"hey love :) i just left you a comment on myspace..but i wanted to write you something else. thank you so much for writing me..it looks like you wrote a lot since you got to work. i told you last night i wanted to finish telling you how much i love you..and im going to alll day :)
you really are the reason i wake up in the morning..
i can not be without you.
after everything we've gone through together..i still think of you as an angel. because you're my angel..and so far, i haven't seen one thing to prove myself wrong. you're the most loving person in this world, and that's why i feel so special with you. no one in this world could make me feel like i have with you.
and in 22 days..im going to do everything i can to show you how much of my life you are.
i love you."
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| well well well |
[02 Mar 2005|06:52am] |
I use well alot in my little subject areas.
I just wanted to take a moment and point out two individuals who need to rot in hell.
Chelsea and Cassandra.
These two girls are really... for the lack of a better describing sentance.... THE SPAWN OF SATAN.
Chelsea pretends not to like cassandra and proceeds to tell me lies about micheal. Saying that he is cheating on me and such. Then Cassandra lets her do it becasue in reality they are firends. SO... i got a myspace message from chelsea staing... "omg amber... i was at a pep rally and noticed Cassandra with her digital camera, there were pictures of her and micheal kissing... i knew they were recent becasue her hair color was different, she was bragging about her and micheal just being on a "break" as well.... i think you should dump him." ok first of all.... if you are not someones friend why would they willingly show you pictures of them kissing someone else? Yeah.. veery stupid bitch. second.... WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY COMMENTING ON EACHOTHERS MYSPACES like best frinds? oh yeah... cos they are.
So basically Chelsea and cassandra got together and tried to break me and micheal up again.
so I called Cassandras boyfriend.. haha im so mean... and told him everything.
And chelsea... i just hope she gets an incurable disease and dies from it.
this happened a wile back but i love to look back on it and smile.
I HATE BITCHES
off to work now :)
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| Well i wanted a change..... |
[01 Mar 2005|06:30am] |
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ecstatic |
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brand new - ok i belive you but my tommy gun dont |
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So yesterdays post was sad wasnt it.....? I was just having a horrable day at work. It seems My supervisor mildred is out to get me and shes been on my ass for 3 weeks now... Its just really getting to me.
but I got some AWESOME news this morning.
I called my mom to find out how she was doing and she asked me if my dad told me about Talahassee. I said no and asked what was going on... Well.... My uncle wants our whole family to move in with him.. Me, My little sister, my mom and my dad. He even invited micheal. His wife dad two weeks after My uncle billy died. And since then hes been drinking alot and getting very depressed. Iv always wanted to live in tallahassee because its beautiful up there and its so country.. I just really love it. Its 10 minutes away from a beautiful pring and 15 minutes away from the beach. Its got a nice courthouse and by time we move i will have enough experiance to get hired.
my moms telling me not to get excited but everyones agreed that this would be the best for all of us.... My moms calling my uncle joe right now. I really hope that she decides to do this....
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[28 Feb 2005|01:56pm] |
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depressed |
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bed destroyers |
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It's times like these I want to swallow all of my sleeping pills and never wake up.
im going into battle
with parts of me that you've made me see
and like a soldier whos a coward
i threw my weapons down and ran away
and in the fields of casualties
i wander regretting every minute
of not starting what i finished
and its you that makes me happy
its you that almost had me
like a fish and youre the fisher
and god you're such a good kisser
and id buy you anything
that your heart desired
id never cheat again id jump into a fire
and save you if you're burning up inside
and in the atmosphere
our chemistry colliding like
the roil of quantum foam
everything that i own i'd give it all to you
no matter what you do
i'm so alone...
and im changing my religion
im starting to believe in angels
cuz there's no other explanation
its in the constellations of our cells
of our endoplasmic reticulum
and in the whole of space and time
i free float like a dancer cuz you've
given me all the answers
and its you.. its you
it's you that cares for animals
its you that laughs at all my jokes
and you fill me when im nothing
jesus christ it feels so good when you touch me
and i swing from the highest trapeze
just to bring you flowers
id never drink again
id sit for hours and listen to your problems and
sensations
you know that you're my favorite
and i want to soak my head in your body
to absorb all your minerals
dont you know you're beautiful to me
and id buy you anything
that your heart desires
id never cheat again id jump into a fire
and save you if youre burning up inside
in the atmosphere
our chemestry colliding like
the roil of quantum foam
everything that i own id give it all to you
no matter what you do
i'm so alone...
so alone...
without you.
without you.
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| wonderwall |
[24 Feb 2005|08:19am] |
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mood |
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accomplished |
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fuel- hideaway |
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I want to say not alot is going on but i know it is.
For the past two days i'v been... happy.
Micheal's so confused about it. I'm actually laughing. Iv only yelled at him once... but i quickly apologized cos i realized i was being pretty silly. THen i laughed about it.
Things are going so much better.
and... dun dun dun!!! I GET MY BRACES OFF TOMARROW!!!
so in light of this other very good thing i have decited that i am going to do a complete makeover. Not only physical but mentally. As you can tell iv already started on the mental but the physical parts going to be alot easier to change. I went out last night and bought a tooth bleaching kit... cos my teeth used to be bling bling white and i miss that. :-\ Some hair dye. Not telling you what color :) and lots of other things. Im gunna go get a new haircut tomarrow and im gunna get my nails and if im feeling really good my toes done too. heeh.
Im gunna have so much fun.... If you go to Fuel on saturday Ill be there showing off my new self. :-)
Hmmm i think i better get back to work. I just wanted to update since this journal only had one other entry.
Micheal... I love you so much sweetheart. Thank you for being paitent with me. If it wasnt for your ability to not get mad at me for yelling... i dont know where we would have ended up.... 5 more weeks love. :)
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| Goodbye past |
[22 Feb 2005|10:57am] |
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hanging by a moment - lifehouse |
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My past is something I am doing my hardest to forget. I wish there was something i could do to just.. erase my whole mind of the past 17 years... including the past two months of my life.. two months that have hurt me more than everything combined. But thats behind me now. I have deleted all my old journals... Im thinking of burning all my old poem books.. and throwing away anything that upsets me.
I want to start new and fresh.
I want to be happy.
Today i have decited i am not going to allow my past to run and ruin my damn life.
I dont give a shit about my past.. its my past. Its over.
I have turned my fucking life around... and i dont want anything to remind me of who i was.
Today i crossed a milestone. Today.. im starting brand new.
I have a fiance. now all i can think about is our past. The past is gone. My fiance Micheal is a wonderful boy. He makes mistake.. holy fuck!!! we are only human.
I have a stress disorder... becasue of my past.. im hopeing that some of the stress will go away since i have nothing to look back on now.
I have a eating disorder. I dont eat. Sometimes i do... but im so fucking streesed i eat maybe once a day. Stressed becasue of my past.
NO FUCKING MORE.
I am forgeting everything. Today.. is a new me. A brand new me.
love,
Amber
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